You’re not alone, I PROMISE!
There is no other way to say this: what you are going through feels like crap. The pain of loss feels real and is a ‘thing’—and if someone tells you to ‘move on’, you have every right to want to punch them in the face! That split second after you have woken up when suddenly you feel that pang of angst, wishing that it was all a dream. From eating nothing to binging on junk food (I was partial to those more-chocolate-than-biscuit biscuits!), you just want nothing but to speak to your ex.Suddenly, what felt like the norm has been ripped away from you.Not having the person you felt closest to anywhere in sight defies gravity. I remember when my ex left me. I broke down when I had to take the bins out the first time! It was horrific! Or when my friend had to remove the scissors from my hand whilst I was chopping pictures from frames on the wall andsobbing my heart out.
There are two camps:
2) The ‘talkers’,the camp this website is based on. We are so upset we need to vent, and if we can’t vent to them,we will take anyone who will listen. And I mean literally anyone. From the gym buddy to the kind woman in the shop. I would call myself very vocal, but, to me, that did help.
Remember, we are all different and will grieve differently.Either way, it’s okay.
Things not to do:
*Staying in PJs or trakkies—put on your jeans, brush your hair, and ‘put a face on’, as my mum would put it! Visit my friend’s amazing website at www.wearetwinset.com for some tips on how to spruce up your wardrobe—let’s be honest, retail therapy does help and makes you feel better
*Venting on social media. I will write about this in another section in more detail, but here are a few reasons:
a) You are so emotionally up and down at the moment that the likelihood is you will regret later on what you post.
b) You’re hurt and broken, and posting anything, even if it’s ‘indirect’, could come back to haunt you.
c) People will talk. And… people don’t forget. So, to protect yourself, keep shtum.
d) Keep ‘detective’ work their social media apps to a minimum.But if you can, try not to stalk them as it won’t
help you. Seeing them happy will eat away at you, cause you more upset, and, if they find out, they will
probably block you.
* Contacting them (see No Contact Rule). It is SO easy for me to say this as you are the one feeling totally rejected, alone, and like your point has not been heard. The contact element does becomean addiction, and it absolutely is normal to want to make contact. In fact researchers link heartbreak that feeling of rejection, and the need to make contact with your ex to how an addict is in desperate need for their next ‘hit’.
I learnt the hard way. I am not proud of it. It was like my brain couldn’t take no for an answer, and I was a petulant child who couldn’t comprehend ‘how, what, when, where, or why’. I’m ashamed to admit that I had turned into that ‘addict’, and all it did was cause myself, my family, and my friends more pain because I just couldn’t accept what was going on around me.
You absolutely must give your ex some breathing space. They need time to think through the reasons why they broke up with you. Giving them that time will get them to notice your absence from their life. It can work one of two ways:They miss you and want to make contact, or, sadly, they are happier and want to go own way. This is the decision my ex-husband made. Honestly, absolutely nothing made me feel better other than contacting him. I bitterly regret all the contact I made with him now, but when I was in that whirlwind, my actions were so impulsive I just couldn’t help myself.
Things to do:
* The most important one of all: grieve. Cry, please do cry—it’s good to let out those emotions. You’re so hurt and angry. Take all the time you need.
* Exercise—take it out on the running machine. You produce natural endorphins and serotonin when you work out—it does help.
* See your doctor. My doctor really took me under their wing and scheduled regular appointments to check up on me. It made me feel really supported.
* Surround yourself with family and friends. That was my tonic.From them just being in the room next door, to my nine-year-old niece’s morning tissue delivery whilst setting up a charity to help with her aunt’s ‘divors!!’.
* Hobbies—anything from reading to baking. I found myself buying self-help books, and after a good six months, I enjoyed baking again.
* Date. This is advised with caution. Please do this only when you feel ready, but a good friend said, ‘You’re ready when you meet the next person you like’—and that can be anytime!
Please click here if you have any questions, or if you would like to discuss how I can help you heal from your heartbreak.
Monica in Friends goes mad for making batches of Jam to ‘get over her man’